CAMPAIGN
A Musical Play in Two Acts
Book
by
Samuel Warren Joseph
Music and Lyrics
by
Samuel Warren Joseph
&
Jon Detherage
Musical Arrangements
by
Jon Detherage
Revised: August 21, 2018
SET:
A political campaign headquarters. A number of desks, phones,
computers, etc. Several television sets are also on the stage.
Two banners are prominent:
MANN IS THE MAN and MANN FOR GOVERNOR
CAST:
STEVE MEYER - 30-45, Campaign Manager. He's handsome, smart,
sharp, with a jaded edge that hides his true sense of idealism.
BRENDA MALLOY - 25-35, Congressional Aide/Press Secretary.
Pretty, smart, feisty yet naïve about affairs of the heart.
IRV FRANK - 40-55, wizened features; he's a cynical, sarcastic,
funny realist.
GLENN MANN - 50-65, pompous, arrogant, yet a slick communicator.
The world revolves around him.
ELAINE MANN - 50-65, Glenn's wife. She's dignified, intelligent,
and yet sad inside.
GLADYS - 25-40, attractive, extremely perky, and not too bright
campaign worker.
MALCOLM PUFFINGTON - 50-65, Glenn's opponent for governor and like
Glenn, arrogant and full of himself.
DARLENE ROBINSON - 25-35, sexy, vivacious bimbo. Note: Darlene
will only be seen in the video sequences on television.
DEBATE MODERATOR - think either Jim Lehrer or Diane Sawyer. Note:
REPORTER #1
REPORTER #2
VARIOUS CAMPAIGN WORKERS/CHORUS
Note: The Campaign Workers, Reporters, and Debate Moderator can be
played by the same actors if necessary.
CAMPAIGN
Act I, Scene 1
Lights up. A political campaign headquarters. A number of
desks, phones, computers, etc..
Two banners are prominent:
MANN IS THE MAN
MANN FOR GOVERNOR
A huge picture of GLENN MANN is also prominent. Bumper
stickers with the two slogans are stuck all over the place.
THERE'S A MAN WHO'S OUR MAN HE'S THE MAN
THERE'S A GUY WHO'S NEVER LIED ON OUR SIDE
THERE'S A WAY LET ME SAY FOR A BETTER DAY
WE'VE GOT A WINNER
MANN YOU BET THAT HE CAN HE REALLY CAN
AND HE IS SMART, OH, SO SMART AND GOT A HEART
A FAMILY MAN WITH A PLAN AN AMERICAN
WE'VE GOT A WINNER
Steve checks his smart phone.
STEVE
Irv, Glenn was late for his
interview on W-R-O-N-G.
IRV
What happened?
STEVE
He went back to the hotel because
his socks didn’t match.
(SONG CONTINUES)
(Bridge)
HE IS TRULY QUITE STUPENDOUS
SENSATIONAL AND MARVELOUS
A HANDSOME BALL OF CHARISMA
SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN WITH
THAT SPECIAL QUALITY
THE MAN WHO STANDS OUT AND VOTERS LOVE
IRV
I don’t get it. Who’s looking at
his socks?
STEVE
Irv, the clothes make the man. If
you’re wearing one sock that’s
black and one that’s white, what
does that say about you?
IRV
You’re Bi-sock-polar?
STEVE
Exactly.
(SONG CONTINUES)
THE AVERAGE JOE IN THE KNOW ON THE GO
CAN DEPEND THAT GLENN’S HIS FRIEND TILL THE END
HE WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT
WE’VE GOT A WINNER
GLADYS, a perky campaign worker comes over to Steve.
GLADYS
Steve, it says in the paper we're
15 points behind.
STEVE
I know.
GLADYS
The election is only three weeks
away.
STEVE
You have a wonderful grasp of the
obvious, Gladys.
Thinking he's paid her a compliment, she kisses him on the
cheek.
GLADYS
Thank you.
(SONG CONTINUES)
TAKE’S A STAND FOR THE LAND, HIS FELLOW MAN
LEADS THE FIGHT, DAY AND NIGHT, FOR OUR RIGHTS
THERE'S A WAY LET ME SAY FOR A BETTER DAY
WE'VE GOT A WINNER
2.
GLENN
Certainly this election is about
issues. My opponent and I
fundamentally disagree about almost
everything, but it is also about
character, about the kind of leader
we want leading this great state.
(Bridge)
HE IS TRULY QUITE STUPENDOUS
SENSATIONAL AND MARVELOUS
A HANDSOME BALL OF CHARISMA
SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN WITH
THAT SPECIAL QUALITY
THE MAN WHO STANDS OUT AND VOTERS LOVE
THERE'S A GUY WHO'S OUR GUY YOU ASK WHY
HE'S THE BEST PASSED THE TEST AND NEVER RESTS
HE'S THE ONE THE ONLY ONE HE'S OUR FAVORITE SON
WE'VE GOT A WINNER, WE'VE GOT A WINNER, WE'VE GOT A WINNER,
GONNA WIN!
Everyone gets back to work as Steve looks over a document.
STEVE
Irv, I like to think of myself as a
cynical optimist. I see the worst
and always hope for the best. But,
as Gladys pointed out, we are way
behind and running out of time.
IRV
Yeah, but remember they counted
Truman out and he came back. Give
em' hell, Harry.
STEVE
This campaign is hell.
IRV
Remember Truman.
STEVE
Irv, that was sixty years ago, and
that was Harry Truman.
(points to picture of
Glenn Mann)
We've got Glenn Mann.
3.
IRV
Stevie, it warms my heart you
believe so much in the guy you're
working for.
STEVE
I'm a professional. I don't have
to believe in anything.
IRV
But you could be inspired.
STEVE
I could be. I have been.
(Looks at Mann's picture)
Not this time. This time it's
purely a job. I’m working for a
guy whose politics I like and whose
personality I hate.
IRV
I'll tell him you said that.
STEVE
I'm counting on it.
IRV
Going to your optimistic side, you
ever run a campaign before - this
far down - and pulled it out?
STEVE
Actually, twice. But they weren’t
quite as bad. Behind ten and eight
points.
IRV
But you still did it. Let’s hope
three times a charm.
Steve pours over some figures.
STEVE
Irv, do we have enough money for
the final media blitz?
IRV
I'm working on it.
STEVE
Work harder.
IRV
Yes, master.
4.
STEVE
Irv, I'm not being very nice
lately, am I?
IRV
You mean you're not always surly
and obnoxious?
STEVE
You may not believe this, but I
once was voted most popular in my
senior class.
IRV
You're kidding?
STEVE
No. I rigged the election.
(BEAT; seriously)
I’m just a little burned out.
IRV
You know, you're harder on yourself
than anyone else.
STEVE
Goes with running a campaign. If
you win - it's because you had the
better guy - and if you lose, -
it’s because you blew the race.
IRV
Welcome to the real world, kid.
Just then GLENN MANN, seemingly sincere and sophisticated but
obviously self-important, enters stage left. BRENDA MALLOY,
late 20's, early 30's, intense, attractive, follows close
behind. The CAMPAIGN STAFF stop what they're doing and break
into WE'VE GOT A WINNER applauding Glenn who acknowledges
them.
(Campaign Workers)
MANN YOU BET HE CAN HE REALLY CAN
AND HE IS SMART, OH, SO SMART AND GOT A HEART
A FAMILY MAN WITH A PLAN AN AMERICAN
WE'VE GOT A WINNER
Glenn waves them off.
GLENN
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You all are doing a great job.
(MORE)
5.
We're going to win this election
and it's all going to be because of
your dedication and hard work.
They go back to their various tasks. Glenn pulls Steve and
Irv aside.
GLENN (CONT’D)
I assume you saw the latest poll.
STEVE
I did.
GLENN
And...
STEVE
We're behind.
GLENN
Is that all you have to say?
STEVE
Aren't you glad I'm on top of
things?
Glenn motions for Brenda to join them.
GLENN
This is Brenda Malloy.
STEVE
Nice to meet you.
BRENDA
Nice to meet you.
They shake hands cordially.
GLENN
Brenda is on my congressional staff
back in Washington.
STEVE
I know.
GLENN
I thought maybe she could help out
in the campaign. We need all the
help we can get.
STEVE
Great.
GLENN (CONT'D)
6.
GLENN
Good. She's the new Press
Secretary.
STEVE
(taken aback)
What happened to Yates?
GLENN
I fired him. He quit. I fired him
and he quit.
STEVE
Why?
GLENN
It doesn't matter.
STEVE
Yes, it matters.
GLENN
He told me I needed to watch what I
say.
STEVE
So? I tell you that everyday.
GLENN
(firmly)
He wasn't polite.
STEVE
He wasn't polite?
GLENN
You heard me.
STEVE
And if I may be so bold to ask,
have you ever been a press
secretary before?
BRENDA
No. But I worked on Congressman
Mann's last two elections.
STEVE
What did you do?
BRENDA
I wrote press releases.
7.
STEVE
Have you ever tried to talk to
reporters with a camera pointing at
you and a microphone shoved in your
face?
BRENDA
No, but I can handle it.
STEVE
(to Glenn)
No offense Congressman, but I think
three weeks before the election we
need someone with more experience,
a seasoned pro.
GLENN
The decision's been made.
STEVE
But...
(Glenn)
SHE'S MINE AND I'M PROUD TO SAY IT
SHE'S MINE AND I'M GONNA PROCLAIM IT
SHE'S MINE AND I SAY WITHOUT RESERVATIONS
THIS LADY HAS ALL THE RIGHT QUALIFICATIONS
SHE'S SO FINE IT'S QUITE CLEAR
THE RIGHT TIME IS RIGHT HERE
SHE'S THE LADY OF THE TIMES
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY SHE'S MINE
(Steve)
THE QUESTION IS WILL SHE CUT IT
EVEN WITH A SMOOTH AIR AND EASY SMILE
WITH HER INEXPERIENCE, CAN YOU TAKE A CHANCE
(Glenn)
YOU ASK ME WILL SHE MAKE IT
SHE'S NOT EASY TO UPSET AND RILE
SHE'S POISED AND POSSESSED
TO BE QUEEN OF THE DANCE
(Steve)
I DON'T LIKE HAVING SOMEONE NEW JAMMED DOWN MY THROAT
(Glenn)
I'M THE CANDIDATE, I’LL MAKE THE DECISIONS
8.
(Steve)
IT'S HARD TO RUN A CAMPAIGN WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A VOTE
(Glenn)
DO YOUR JOB, THE WORD IS COOPERATION
(Steve)
YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE
(Glenn)
THE MISTAKE IS MINE TO MAKE,
SHE'S A RARE COMBINATION
SHE'S A BEAUTY WHO HAS BRAINS
SHE BRINGS STYLE AND INSPIRATION
TO OUR LAGGING CAMPAIGN
I KNOW HER VERY WELL
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO TELL
GIVEN A CHANCE, SHE'LL SHINE
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY SHE'S MINE
Steve is ready to explode. Irv pulls him aside.
IRV
I know you're about to quit. But
quitting in the middle is worse
than losing. Nobody will want to
hire you in the future. Besides,
if we get lucky and win, you'll
have your pick of campaigns.
Steve knows he's right. He turns to Glenn.
STEVE
You're the boss.
Glenn smiles smugly.
STEVE (CONT’D)
And I'm sure Mrs. Mann is in favor
of this decision.
GLENN
My wife backs this decision up
one hundred percent.
(To everyone)
I'll leave you all to get back to
work. I have a campaign stop in an
hour.
Glenn exits. Irv picks up the phone and makes a call and the
rest of the campaign workers get back to work.
9.
BRENDA
Well, I guess we're going to be
working together.
STEVE
Which means some ground rules.
BRENDA
You don't like having your
authority challenged, do you?
STEVE
Some ground rules.
BRENDA
You're a control freak, I can tell.
STEVE
(ignoring her)
Number one...
BRENDA
One...
STEVE
Don't make any statement to the
press without clearing it with me
first.
BRENDA
Two...
STEVE
Two, if you don't know the answer
to a question, avoid answering it.
It's better to say, "I'll get back
to you" than say something stupid.
BRENDA
Number two, avoid being stupid.
Three?
STEVE
If they ask you a difficult
question, change the subject to
talk about something we want to
talk about.
BRENDA
Number three, be evasive. Is that
it?
STEVE
For right now.
10.
BRENDA
Well, let me address each one
individually. First, Congressman
Mann has given me complete autonomy
so I will talk to the press when I
think it is appropriate and I will
say what I think is appropriate.
Two, I am fully briefed on all of
Glenn Mann's positions, so the
likelihood of me saying something
stupid is remote. Three...the last
thing the electorate wants is
another slippery politician. I
will not be evasive. I will answer
any and all questions as clearly
and directly as I can.
STEVE
(in disbelief)
Where did he find you,...the Attila
the Hun charm school?
BRENDA
And finally, I will not tolerate
being verbally abused.
STEVE
Ah, all right, truce. No verbal
abuse meant.
BRENDA
Then what would you call that last
remark?
STEVE
A joke?
BRENDA
It wasn't funny.
STEVE
You know, there's this thing. It's
called a sense of humor.
BRENDA
I have a very good sense of humor.
There's many things I find funny.
STEVE
Absolutely. I was just about to
say the problem is that I don't
have a sense of humor.
11.
BRENDA
Let's move on, shall we?
STEVE
Fine.
BRENDA
As far as campaign strategy, it
seems to be changing day to day.
STEVE
You've got that right.
BRENDA
And may I ask why?
STEVE
Because we don't have one.
BRENDA
And why is that?
STEVE
Because Glenn Mann is quixotic,
impulsive, impetuous, distracted,
unrealistic, with an almost
pathological pattern of
vacillating.
BRENDA
What?
STEVE
Simply put, he can't make up his
damn mind and he won't let anybody
tell him what to do.
BRENDA
That's not the Glenn Mann I know.
The one I know is decisive and sure
of himself.
STEVE
He's all those things. He decided
a long time ago that he's sure of
everything...until he changes his
mind.
BRENDA
I think maybe I know him a little
better than you do.
STEVE
I'm sure you do.
12.
Steve goes back to his computer, but Brenda isn’t finished.
BRENDA
What about strategy?
STEVE
What about it?
BRENDA
I think we should emphasize the
Traditional Values theme more.
This is a conservative state.
STEVE
Anything else?
BRENDA
Puffington is spending his millions
on TV. We can't compete with him
financially. We need to focus on
our grass roots organization, and
use Facebook, Twitter, much more
than we have.
STEVE
Anything else?
BRENDA
Not right now.
STEVE
All right.
BRENDA
Aren't you going to say anything?
STEVE
Why? You seem to know everything.
BRENDA
I was hoping for a dialogue.
STEVE
No, you were hoping for agreement.
BRENDA
What do you think of my
suggestions?
STEVE
I think if you had done your
research as you claim, you'd
realize that we're already playing
up the Values issue.
(MORE)
13.
And the best way to spend our
remaining dollars is to try and buy
as much television time as we can.
As far as Twitter and Facebook,
there’s a word limit, so you
shouldn’t be able to do too much
damage.
BRENDA
I see we're going to get along
great.
STEVE
I know one way we can get along.
Go back to Washington. Irv, here
can be the new press secretary.
BRENDA
No way, Mister!
(Brenda)
I'M HERE TO STAY
THE WORLD IS BETTER FOR IT
I'LL MAKE MY WAY
AND NO ONE CAN IGNORE IT
(Steve)
YOU SAY WRONG WHEN YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT
YOU SAY BLACK WHEN IT'S OBVIOUSLY WHITE
(Brenda)
YOU'RE ONE TO TALK
LOOK WHERE WE ARE
WE'RE RUNNING BEHIND
MR. POLITICAL STAR
(Steve)
OH, THAT'S NICE YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER
LET'S SEE IF YOU'RE ABLE TO DELIVER
(Chorus; both)
I'M HERE TO STAY
DON'T FORGET IT
I'M GONNA HAVE MY WAY
MAY LIVE TO REGRET IT
SHE (HE'S) HERE TO STAY BUT SHE (HE) WON'T DRIVE ME INSANE
HERE TO STAY AND I WON'T COMPLAIN
MY GOD, I'M HERE TO STAY...OH, NO
STEVE (CONT'D)
14.
(Brenda)
YOU SAY I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
BETTER OPEN YOUR EARS
SO I DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT
(Steve)
I'LL LISTEN IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
GENERALLY SPEAKING, STAY OUT OF MY WAY
(Brenda)
OH, PLEASE...
(Steve)
THERE HAS TO BE SOME BOUNDARIES
SO WE EACH KNOW OUR PLACE
YOU STAY OVER THERE
AND OUT OF MY FACE
(Brenda)
JUST TO BE HONEST
AND JUST TO BE FAIR
I'LL STAY OUT OF YOUR FACE
YOU STAY OUT OF MY HAIR
(Chorus)
I'M HERE TO STAY
DON'T FORGET IT
I'M GONNA HAVE MY WAY
MAY LIVE TO REGRET IT
SHE (HE'S) HERE TO STAY BUT SHE (HE) WON'T DRIVE ME INSANE
HERE TO STAY AND I WON'T COMPLAIN
MY GOD, I'M HERE TO STAY...OH, NO
I'M HERE, I'M HERE, HE'S HERE, SHE'S HERE,
I'M HERE, I'M HERE, HE'S HERE, SHE'S HERE,
WE'RE HERE...TO STAY!!
The CAMPAIGN WORKERS are getting noticeably UNCOMFORTABLE as
the argument and song between Brenda takes place. By the
time song has ended the STAGE has CLEARED except for Steve
and Brenda. Steve turns to say good night...
STEVE
Good night, everybody...
He sheepishly realizes there is nobody left to say goodbye
to.
BRENDA
I'm going to stay awhile. I'll
lock up.
15.
STEVE
You have a key?
BRENDA
(smiles)
Huh, huh.
Steve, annoyed, turns and head off stage right. Just then
Glenn enters stage right.
STEVE
Congressman, we need to discuss...
GLENN
(cutting him off)
Good night, Steve. Talk to you in
the morning.
STEVE
Good night.
Steve exits leaving Brenda and Glenn alone on stage.
BRENDA
How did the rally go?
GLENN
It was a dud, like this campaign.
I should never have run.
They meet center stage, KISS PASSIONATELY.
BRENDA
You're going to win. We can still
come back.
They kiss again.
GLENN
I just regret we have to sneak
around like this.
BRENDA
Me, too.
They kiss. Just then Steve reenters stage right and sees
them lip locked. Glenn and Brenda don't notice Steve as he
quietly picks up the briefcase he forgot and exits.
BLACK OUT.
Instrumental Reprise: I’M HERE TO STAY
16.
Act I, Scene 2
A press conference inside the campaign headquarters.
REPORTERS shoot out questions at Glenn and Brenda who stand
on a podium. To the side watching is ELAINE MANN, Glenn's
wife. She is in her late 40's, early 50’s an attractive
woman with dignity. Standing next to her are Steve and Irv.
REPORTER #1
So, Congressman, let me get this
straight. The reason you changed
your Press Secretary has nothing to
do with how poorly you are doing in
the polls?
GLENN
Absolutely not. And along with my
beautiful wife and partner, Elaine,
we’re confident that we're going to
win this election.
REPORTER #2
Then why?
GLENN
Well, you see...it's quite simple.
(pause)
And I'm going to let my new press
secretary, Brenda Malloy, answer
that.
BRENDA
The campaign is taking a new
direction.
REPORTER #3
And what's the new direction?
BRENDA
Uh, we're going to focus even more
on traditional family values...
and,...
GLENN
And...where Malcolm Puffington
intends to divide and conquer...
We intend to bring people...bring
us together.
The Campaign Workers APPLAUD and CHEER.
17.
GLENN (CONT'D)
Just last night, Elaine and I were
talking and she said that the most
important thing we can do is bring
people together, right honey?
Elaine forces a smile and waves. She is clearly not happy.
REPORTER #1
Ms. Malloy... Why did you take
this job?
BRENDA
Why? Because I think that Glenn
Mann is the best person to be the
next Governor of this state....
REPORTER #1
But...
BRENDA
...because he's a very special man,
no pun intended. He has certain
qualities...he inspires people, he
inspires me. I know that may seem
like a sound byte, but when I first
went to Washington to work on
Capitol Hill, I saw a lot of
phonies. Glenn Mann wasn't one of
them. He is a dedicated, hard
working Congressman, unlike his
opponent, Malcolm Puffington, who
has one of the worst attendance
records in the House of
Representatives.
REPORTER #2
And what about...
BRENDA
...Glenn Mann is for the working
people of this state. He intends
to do everything he can to make
sure they can make a decent wage to
support their families. He's for
affordable health insurance, and
locking up career criminals and
throwing away the key...and...
Glenn Mann, Glenn Mann...
The LIGHTS DIM and all the Reporters stand motionless. A
SPOT LIGHT shines on Brenda and a lesser light on Glenn,
Elaine and Steve.
18.
BRENDA SINGS her song to Glenn as if the song was her
thoughts and feelings and not the jargon she was spouting to
the Reporters. As Brenda sings, Elaine is clearly jealous.
Glenn enjoys the adulation and is oblivious to Elaine. Steve
watches this play out noticing in particular Elaine's
reaction.
(Brenda)
LIKE A SUNSET TOUCHING THE SEA
A DAYDREAM THAT EASES THE SOUL
THESE ARE TOO RARE AND FEW
I BELIEVE IN YOU
LIKE A CHILDHOOD FAIRY TALE
TOLD FROM ANCIENT SCROLLS
WITH A STORY BOLD AND TRUE
I BELIEVE IN YOU
BY YOUR SIDE I COULD
FLY A MILLION MILES
ON THE WINGS OF YOUR SWEET SMILE
YOU MAKE ME FEEL I COULD
BE ALL MY DESIRES
WHEN YOU TELL ME CLIMB A LITTLE HIGHER
LIKE A QUIET STORM OF CRICKETS
CRYING IN THE COOL EVENING BREEZE
IT'S MUSIC BOTH OLD AND NEW
CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU
(Bridge)
I REMEMBER TIMES
LIFE WAS TOUGH TO BEAR
I SEARCHED BUT
NO ONE WAS THERE
THOSE LONELY TIMES
I FELT SO INSECURE
THEN I LOOKED UP
AND THERE YOU WERE
BY YOUR SIDE I COULD
FLY A MILLION MILES
ON THE WINGS OF YOUR SWEET SMILE
YOU MAKE ME FEEL I COULD
BE ALL MY DESIRES
WHEN YOU TELL ME CLIMB A LITTLE HIGHER
LIKE A SHOOTING STAR THAT’S
FLASHING THROUGH THE MOONLIT SKY
IT'S SO CLEAR, BRIGHT AND TRUE
CAUSE I BELIEVE, YES, I BELIEVE,
I BELIEVE IN YOU
19.
The songs ends and the LIGHTS COME UP and the Reporters come
to life. Brenda continues to answer as if the song never
happened.
BRENDA (CONT’D)
And furthermore, having served
first in this state's legislature
and now in our nation's Congress,
Glenn Mann has come home to run for
governor, and he will make a great
one.
REPORTER #1
But do you think he'll win?
BRENDA
Absolutely.
REPORTER #1
The latest poll...
BRENDA
The only poll that counts is on
election day. Thank you very much.
GLENN
Isn't she something else? Elaine
and I couldn't be happier now that
Brenda is on board. Thank you
everybody for coming.
The press conference breaks up and the REPORTERS EXIT leaving
only a few Campaign Workers and Glenn, Steve, Brenda, Irv and
Elaine on stage.
GLENN (CONT’D)
Well...that went well.
STEVE
I think the well is dry.
GLENN
What's that supposed to mean?
STEVE
Nothing.
GLENN
Look, if you're unhappy...
STEVE
I'm peachy.
20.
GLENN
Your sarcasm notwithstanding, you
can be replaced.
Steve is about to take him up on his offer when Irv
intervenes.
IRV
He could be, but then you'd lose
for sure.
(to Steve)
You'd both lose.
BRENDA
(breaking the tension)
I think we should discuss our
strategy for the remaining three
weeks.
By speaking, Elaine, who has been silent up till now, causes
everyone to take notice.
ELAINE
I think this campaign needs to find
its focus. We need to find one
positive theme and stick with that
the rest of the way.
STEVE
I couldn't agree more.
ELAINE
And we need to find one thing to
attack Puffington about and stick
with that the rest of the way.
BRENDA
I couldn't agree more.
STEVE
Puffington's been married three
times. We should nail him on the
values issue.
BRENDA
That's right. We have to show that
we have the real family man.
Elaine gives her a look that could kill. Brenda is
oblivious.
ELAINE
Yes, my husband is.
21.
STEVE
This election needs to be about
character...we need to make
Puffington's character the issue
here, his marriages, his huge
wealth and how he got it exploiting
third world countries. Speaking of
money...Irv, how we doing on the
money front. Do we have enough to
produce a new ad?
IRV
We do, barely, but I was able to
raise the money.
STEVE
Great. How?
IRV
I said to big labor, "Glenn Mann is
very sympathetic to your concerns
about the anti-strike breaker law.
I said to big business, "Glenn Mann
is very sympathetic to your
concerns that the unions are
getting out of hand. I told the
farmers that nothing was more
important to Glenn Mann than their
subsidies, even if it means cutting
education. I told the teacher's
union that Glenn Mann has education
as his number one priority.
And...most importantly, everyone
gets a tax cut, the average working
stiff all the way to big business.
GLENN
I can't possibly keep all those
promises. What am I going to tell
people when I'm elected?
STEVE
Say there's been a miscommunication.
IRV
Would you rather have me return the
money, Congressman?
GLENN
Uh, no. But we need to show how
Puffington's millions are
corrupting him.
22.
STEVE
A character issue.
GLENN
That's right.
STEVE
Money. The mother's milk of
politics.
GLENN
Emphasize character.
IRV
Puffington's worth four hundred
million dollars. Four hundred
million dollars can buy you a whole
lot of character.
Irv and the others sing:
(Irv)
YOU GOT THE STYLE
YOU GOT THE DRIVE
YOU'RE NOT ABOUT
TO TAKE A DIVE
YOU'RE REAL SMART
YOU KNOW THE SCORE
TO GET WHAT YOU WANT
YOU GOTTA GET MORE
(Everyone)
MONEY TALKS, SO THEY SAY
MONEY TALKS, IN EVERY WAY
MONEY TALKS, THE BOTTOM LINE
YOU GOT YOURS AND I GOT MINE
(Irv)
YOU MEET A GIRL
WHOSE GOT THE LOOKS
BUT THEN SHE ASKS
TO SEE THE BOOKS
AND YOU WONDER IF
THERE'S A LOVE THAT'S TRUE
SHE ANSWERS "SURE"
'TIL THE BILL COMES DUE
(Everyone)
MONEY TALKS, SO THEY SAY
MONEY TALKS, IN EVERY WAY
MONEY TALKS, THE BOTTOM LINE
YOU GOT YOURS AND I GOT MINE
23.
Musical Bridge
(Irv)
YOU’RE THE ONE
THE MAN OF THE HOUR
YOU’VE GOT THE MESSAGE
YOU’VE GOT THE POWER
BUT EVERYTHING’S FOR SALE
IT’S YOUR POLITICAL INVOICE
CAUSE BIG MONEY SHAPES
THE VOTERSCHOICE
(Everyone)
MONEY TALKS, SO THEY SAY
MONEY TALKS, IN EVERY WAY
MONEY TALKS, THE BOTTOM LINE
YOU GOT YOURS AND I GOT MINE
MONEY TALKS, SO THEY SAY
MONEY TALKS, IN EVERY WAY
MONEY TALKS, THE BOTTOM LINE
YOU GOT YOUR AND I GOT MINE
(Irv)
YOU GOT YOURS AND I GOT MINE
BLACK OUT.
The LIGHTS come UP quickly. It's NIGHT. Everyone is gone
from the campaign headquarters except Steve and Brenda. They
are packing up for the night.
BRENDA
I thought we got a lot accomplished
today.
STEVE
I guess you could say that.
BRENDA
You don't think so?
STEVE
We finally got a strategy, I guess.
BRENDA
Yes.
(BEAT)
Good night.
STEVE
She knows.
24.
BRENDA
What?
STEVE
Elaine.
BRENDA
Knows what?
STEVE
About you and Glenn.
BRENDA
I don't know what you're...
STEVE
Please...stop. I saw you two last
night. What your arrangement is
with Glenn...is your business. But
you should be aware that Elaine
knows.
BRENDA
Then why hasn't she said something?
STEVE
She has. You can tell by the way
she looks at you.
BRENDA
I suppose you think that the only
reason I'm here is because I'm
sleeping with him.
Silence.
BRENDA (CONT'D)
You don't have to answer that.
STEVE
We have a campaign to win. Good
night.
Steve EXITS. Brenda stands alone on stage, sullen.
INSTRUMENTAL REPRISE of "I BELIEVE IN YOU".
BLACK OUT.
Act I, Scene 3
The lights from a TELEVISION break the darkness. A campaign
commercial comes on.
25.
Various pictures of Glenn Mann and MALCOLM PUFFINGTON appear.
The pictures of Glenn make him look strong and effective
including pictures of him, Elaine and their TWO CHILDREN (who
we never see in the play.) The pictures of Puffington make
him look like a sleaze bag. They alternate in relation to the
narration.
NARRATOR ( V.O. COMMERCIAL)
Glenn Mann grew up in this state.
Malcolm Puffington didn't.
Glenn Mann worked for everything he's got.
Puffington didn't.
Glenn Mann's been married once.
Malcolm Puffington's been married three times.
Glenn Mann believes the average American deserves a fair
shake.
Puffington wants to shake down the average American by
raising taxes.
Glenn believes the family is the backbone of America.
Malcolm believes that poor mothers should send their children
to orphanages.
Is that family values? Glenn Mann...Family Values...
American Values.
The LIGHTS COME UP. Watching the commercial are Steve,
Brenda, Glenn, Elaine, Irv, and Gladys. Other Campaign
Workers type, answer phones, etc. - in the background.
GLADYS
That Malcolm Puffington...is he
American?
STEVE
Uh, yeah, Gladys. He is.
GLADYS
Well, he doesn't seem like a very
good American. I mean he's not for
families. Where did he think he
came from?
She moves away from the group. Steve looks at the others and
shrugs knowingly.
STEVE
See?
IRV
I don't know. It seems kind of
simplistic.
BRENDA
It's brilliant. You did a great
job, Steve.
26.
STEVE
(surprised)
Thanks.
GLENN
Works for me.
(to Elaine)
What do you think, honey?
ELAINE
I think it's sickening, but I think
it's necessary. Though I would
like to see us run one commercial
where we say something positive,
rather than just attack him.
STEVE
We're behind in the polls. Most
people associate Family Values with
right wing conservatives like
Puffington. Glenn is the moderate,
but by doing our own version of
family values, we can cut into his
vote.
ELAINE
Traditional values, family values,
does anybody even care about that
anymore?
STEVE
Puffington made his career spouting
off on it.
ELAINE
And now we are. Look, if we don't
talk about the good things we're
going to do for the people of this
state, how we're going to spend
more money on teachers, programs to
get people off the welfare rolls...
STEVE
Our polls show that neither
candidate is well thought of. In
the end, this election is going to
be about the lesser of two evils...
that is, in the mind of the voters.
Elaine gives Glenn a look.
ELAINE
You're right.
27.
GLENN
But I think Elaine has got a point.
We also need to emphasize all the
great things I'm going to do when
I'm elected Governor.
STEVE
And what are those?
GLENN
(angrily)
You don't think much of me, do you?
STEVE
I wouldn't have taken this job if I
didn't think this election was
worth winning.
GLENN
You didn't answer my question.
STEVE
I think you'd make a much better
Governor than Malcolm Puffington.
Gladys has been listening in.
GLADYS
(guileless)
That isn't saying much.
She goes back to what she was doing unaware of her
unintentional insult.
GLENN
I have plenty to offer this state,
plenty of new ideas, innovations to
make state government run more
smoothly. And I'm going to
articulate them at this afternoon's
press conference.
BRENDA
I really think you should focus on
attacking Puffington.
STEVE
So do I.
GLENN
We'll see. We'll see.
IRV
Here comes the press.
28.
The PRESS, both TV (holding cameras) and Print (holding their
pens and pads) ENTER.
REPORTER #1
Congressman Mann...there has been a
lot of criticism about both you and
your opponent regarding the
negativity of this campaign.
GLENN
My opponent has been negative.
We've just been pointing out the
differences between what he
believes and what I believe.
REPORTER #2
And what are those differences?
GLENN
They're significant...and I think
rather obvious. My wife and I are
a political team. I believe in
family. My opponent doesn't.
REPORTER #3
But what do you intend to do for
the people of this state? What do
you promise to do?
(Glenn)
I PROMISE A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT
A POT IN EVERY KITCHEN
A HOME IN EVERY HOUSE
I TELL YOU FRIENDS I'M NOT KIDDING
WE GOT BETTER DAYS, BETTER DAYS
I CAN PROMISE YOU BETTER DAYS
BETTER DAYS ARE COMING, LET ME SAY
IF YOU VOTE ME IN ON ELECTION DAY
(Steve)
NOW GLENN IS A CLEVER MAN
HE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO SAY
HE UNDERSTANDS THAT THE TRUTH
SHOULD NEVER, NEVER GET IN THE WAY
HE'S GOT FEET OF CLAY, LET ME SAY
HIS PROMISES COME FROM YESTERDAY
WHEN NOTHING CHANGES DON'T DISMAY
WHEN YOU VOTE HIM IN ON ELECTION DAY
29.
(Glenn)
I PROMISE TO CUT YOUR TAXES
AND TAX THE OTHER GUY AND
CUT DEREGULATION WHILE REGULATING THE
POLLUTERS WHILE THE AIRWAVES ARE BEING POLLUTED
BY SMUT AND I PROMISE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND
AND I'M FOR THE FARMERS AND EATERS AND BREAKFAST
LUNCH AND DINNER FOR EVERYONE
WE GOT BETTER DAYS, BETTER DAYS
I CAN PROMISE YOU BETTER DAYS
BETTER DAYS ARE COMING, LET ME SAY
IF YOU VOTE ME IN ON ELECTION DAY
(Steve)
NOT TOO FAR TO THE RIGHT OR THE LEFT
WHILE THE TRUTH IS WELL DISGUISED
HE'S SO POLITICALLY CORRECT
BUT HIS OPPONENT IS MORALLY DEPRIVED
(Glenn)
I CAN TRULY SAY, IN ONE PHRASE
SOMETHING SPECIAL IS ON THE WAY
BETTERS DAYS ARE COMING, LET ME SAY
IF YOU VOTE ME IN ON ELECTION DAY
WE GOT BETTER DAYS
NOW BETTER DAYS ARE COMING, LET ME SAY
IF YOU VOTE ME IN ON ELECTION DAY
NOTE: When Steve sings in this song, he is singing it to IRV.
The press conference ends and the REPORTERS EXIT. The
Campaign Workers get back to their desks.
Brenda looks at her watch.
BRENDA
(to Glenn)
Congressman, we have to be at a
rally in Morrisville in an hour.
GLENN
You're right. Elaine...ready?
ELAINE
You go ahead. I'll miss this
rally...if that's all right.
GLENN
Sure...no problem.
30.
A strained silence as he exits with Brenda.
ELAINE
Steve, I'd like to speak with you
privately.
They move out of earshot.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
We can still win this election.
STEVE
I know that.
ELAINE
As pompous and as arrogant as Glenn
is, he's so much a better
person....his views so much more
humane than Malcolm Puffington's,
it's imperative Glenn win. If
Puffington wins he'll set this
state back ten years. Deep down
Glenn wants to be loved, desperate
to be loved. He really cares for
people. Puffington only cares
about power and his rich friends.
STEVE
That’s why I agreed to work on this
campaign.
ELAINE
That's why you need to get over
your personal animosity towards
Glenn.
STEVE
You're right.
Just then Gladys sticks her head in.
GLADYS
Mrs. Mann...
ELAINE
Hi...
STEVE
This is Gladys, one of our
invaluable campaign volunteers.
Elaine and Gladys shake hands.
31.
ELAINE
Nice to meet you.
GLADYS
Listen, I just wanted to say, I
think your husband's great. We all
believe in him. He's such a family
man, you know...
ELAINE
I do know. Thank you, Gladys.
Gladys smiles broadly, wants to continue the conversation,
but doesn’t know what to say. Steve leads her back to her
desk.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Where were we?
STEVE
I need to get over my personal
animosity towards your husband.
ELAINE
My husband and I are a team.
You're part of that team.
Sometimes, we all have to put up
with things, indignities, that we
shouldn't have to put up with for
the sake of the team.
STEVE
How do you put up with it?
ELAINE
You mean the affairs? Brenda?
STEVE
Doesn't that say something about
his character?
ELAINE
It says something about...life, I
suppose, don't you think? Marriage
is a funny thing. We have two
children. You have to think about
them. But that's not what matters
here. What matters here is that we
win the Governorship.
32.
STEVE
I suppose I never decided to run
for office myself because I was
never very good at hiding my
feelings.
ELAINE
That's where you and I differ.
I've learned....I've learned...
ELAINE SINGS:
THERE'S A TIME FOR SADNESS
BUT THAT'S NOT NOW
WE'RE TOO BUSY PRETENDING
THERE'S A TIME FOR LOVING
BUT THAT'S NOT NOW
WE'RE TOO BUSY DECEIVING
THERE'S A TIME FOR OUR LIVES
BUT THAT'S NOT NOW
WE'RE TOO BUSY LIVING
THERE'S A TIME FOR FEELINGS
BUT THAT'S NOT NOW
WE'RE TOO BUSY HURTING
(Chorus)
FREEDOM IS A MYTH
TO TORMENT YOUR SOUL
DESIRE, LIKE A PEBBLE
STUCK INSIDE YOUR SHOE
YOU MUST DO AS YOU SHOULD
DO ALL THAT YOU CAN DO
IT'S TOO WELL UNDERSTOOD
IT'S ALL FOR THE GOOD
THERE'S A TIME FOR LAUGHING
BUT THAT'S NOT NOW
WE'RE TOO BUSY CRYING
THERE'S A TIME FOR THE TRUTH
BUT THAT'S NOT NOW
WE'RE TOO BUSY SURVIVING
(Chorus)
FREEDOM IS A MYTH
TO TORMENT YOUR SOUL
DESIRE, LIKE A PEBBLE
STUCK INSIDE YOUR SHOE
YOU MUST DO AS YOU SHOULD
DO ALL THAT YOU CAN DO
33.
IT'S TOO WELL UNDERSTOOD
IT'S ALL FOR THE GOOD
WE MUST DO AS WE SHOULD
DO ALL THAT WE CAN DO
IT'S TOO WELL UNDERSTOOD
IT'S ALL FOR THE GOOD
ALL FOR THE GOOD
BLACKOUT.
Act I, Scene 4
LIGHTS UP.
The place is bustling.
Glenn and Elaine stand to one side of the stage being
interviewed by reporters.
Brenda is on the phone.
Steve is on another phone at another desk. So is Irv.
Gladys scurries around the room carrying documents to and
between people.
The focus shifts from one person to another. In between and
sometimes over the dialogue, INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC for WE'VE GOT
A WINNER plays.
ON REPORTERS, GLENN and ELAINE
REPORTER #1
Mr. Mann, your sudden rise in the
polls seems to be the direct result
of your negative advertising.
GLENN
I have to disagree. I think we're
just getting our message across.
REPORTER #2
And what message is that?
GLENN
Family Values.
ON STEVE speaking into phone.
34.
STEVE
Family Values. I want a new spot,
same theme by tomorrow. Something
like,...Glenn Mann, Family Man.
ON BRENDA speaking into phone.
BRENDA
Puffington can't keep his you know
what in his pants. Everybody in
Washington knows it. Can't you
guys run a story on that?
ON IRV speaking into phone.
IRV
Look you people have to put your
money where your mouth is. Glenn
Mann's going to be elected Governor
and you don't want to be left
backing the wrong horse.
ON REPORTERS, GLENN and ELAINE
REPORTER #2
Mrs. Mann, has this election been
tough on you and your children?
ELAINE
Yes, of course, but it's worth it.
We all believe in Glenn. The kids
are very proud of their father, as
I am.
ON STEVE speaking into phone.
STEVE
I don't want excuses. Just do it.
ON BRENDA speaking into phone.
BRENDA
Look, you owe me. Great. I won't
forget this.
ON IRV speaking into phone.
IRV
Look, you owe me. Great. I won't
forget this.
Gladys shows Steve something on her cell phone.
35.
GLADYS
Look at the what the bloggers are
saying.
ON REPORTERS, GLENN and ELAINE
REPORTER #3
What are the key differences
between you and your opponent?
GLENN
Family Values.
ON STEVE addressing Irv and Brenda, both still on the phone.
STEVE
The latest poll shows that we're
dead even with Puffington.
BRENDA
I told you we needed to go
negative.
STEVE
No, I told you.
IRV
Just raised another hundred thou.
ON REPORTERS, GLENN and ELAINE
REPORTER #1
I find it surprising that your
playing the Family Values theme.
Family Values is usually associated
with more conservative politicians
like Puffington. You are
considered by most to be a
moderate.
GLENN
I am a moderate. And I am pro-
family values.
Glenn and Elaine, and the Reporters continue to mime their
press conference to the side of the stage in the shadows
while...
Irv dramatically hangs up the phone.
IRV
And another hundred thou!!
Whatever you're doing Stevie, baby,
keep on doing it.
36.
STEVE
What I'm doing can be said in two
words.
BRENDA
Family Values.
IRV
Family Values.
STEVE
Family Values.
GLADYS
Yeah! Family Values!
(BEAT)
What are they?
Steve, Brenda, Irv with help of Campaign workers sing while
Glenn continues talking to the reporters:
POLITICALLY SPEAKING CODE WORDS ARE THE TICKET
PRO-CHOICE, PRO LIFE LIKE TO PICKET
BUT THE GOLDEN PHRASE THEY ALL WANT TO USE
YOU GOTTA HAVE FAMILY VALUES
THE GAYS ARE FINE IF THEY STAY IN LINE
DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL, WAS DIVINE
BUT THEY SURE CAN TURN SOME NOSES BLUE
WHEN THEY CLAIM TO HAVE FAMILY VALUES
(Chorus)
FAMILY VALUES...GOOD VALUES
WITHOUT THEM IT'S A SIN
GOOD VALUES...FAMILY VALUES
YOU GOTTA HAVE THEM TO WIN
WORKING MOTHERS SHOULD STAY AT HOME
WITH THEIR CHILDREN WHERE THEY BELONG
A WOMAN'S JOB IS HERS TO LOSE
FOR THE SAKE OF FAMILY VALUES
WELFARE MOTHERS ON THE DOLE
SHOULD GET A JOB, GET OFF THE ROLLS
LATCHKEY KIDS ARE THE ONES THAT LOSE
IN THE NAME OF FAMILY VALUES
(Chorus)
FAMILY VALUES...GOOD VALUES
WITHOUT THEM IT'S A SIN
GOOD VALUES...FAMILY VALUES
YOU GOTTA HAVE THEM TO WIN
37.
(Bridge)
CARE FOR THE HOMELESS, NOT WITH MY DIME
FOR AND AGAINST ABORTION ALL AT ONE TIME
LET PEOPLE BE FREE AS THEY GROW OLD
BUT THEY BETTER MAKE SURE THEY DO AS THEY'RE TOLD
LIBERALS WANT TO HELP THE POOR TO THEIR FEET
CONSERVATIVES AFTER THOSE WELFARE CHEATS
BOTH ARE READY TO GIVE THE NEWS
ABOUT WHAT THEY CALL FAMILY VALUES
TWO KIDS, A DOG, WITH MOM AND DAD
DOESN'T SOUND AT ALL HALF BAD
WHITE PICKET FENCE, NEW CAR OR TWO
THAT'S WHAT I CALL FAMILY VALUES
(chorus)
FAMILY VALUES...GOOD VALUES
WITHOUT THEM IT'S A SIN
GOOD VALUES...FAMILY VALUES
YOU GOTTA HAVE THEM TO WIN
FAMILY VALUES...GOOD VALUES
WITHOUT THEM IT'S A SIN
GOOD VALUES...FAMILY VALUES
YOU GOTTA HAVE THEM TO WIN
The song ends and everybody gets back to what they were
doing. Glenn and Elaine walk back into the main part of the
campaign headquarters while the REPORTERS EXIT.
Suddenly, a CAMPAIGN WORKER comes rushing in from off stage.
CAMPAIGN WORKER
Everybody, quick turn on the TV.
STEVE
Why? What's wrong?
BRENDA
What's going on?
They turn on the TV. A GROUP of REPORTERS face a voluptuous
young woman named DARLENE ROBINSON. She is the holding an
INFANT CHILD in her arms.
REPORTER ( O.S.-OVER TV)
And how long did this affair last?
DARLENE
For over two years.
38.
REPORTER (O.S.-OVER TV)
And what did Congressman Mann say
to you?
DARLENE
I couldn't get him on the phone,
that's why I'm here today. It's
the only way I could get through to
him. It's the only way that I
could tell him that he's the father
of little Bobby here, and he needs
to take responsibility for that.
Glenn rushes over to the TV, shuts it off.
GLENN
It's not true!
ELAINE
Are you sure?
The looks on the faces of Elaine and Brenda say they don't
believe him. The joy that was in the room a moment ago turns
to despair. This revelation probably will cost them the
election.
GLADYS
I don't know why everybody's so
upset. At least it shows Mr. Mann
is pro-family.
Everyone reacts at her naïve.
BLACKOUT.
Act I, Scene 5
NIGHT. Steve and Brenda are alone once more on stage, both
on the phone.
BRENDA
(into phone)
Look, you have to understand, this
woman has no credibility. How do I
know. Because I know Glenn Mann...
Steve puts his hand over the mouthpiece...
STEVE
Yeah...the family man.
BRENDA
(into phone)
Nothing is true until it's proven
(MORE)
39.
true. Your paper needs to remember
that. All right... thanks.
She and Steve hang up at the same time.
STEVE
You know what I love about this
business. The fact that you have
to lie convincingly. Everybody
lies...but to do it convincingly,
that's an art form. Of course
there is the possibility that you
really believe what you’re
saying...
BRENDA
You're like a vulture...waiting
until someone is weak and then
going in for the kill.
STEVE
Look, I'm sorry. I'm in a bad
mood. Let's start over. How are
you doing?
BRENDA
You don't care how I'm doing.
STEVE
That's not true.
BRENDA
I feel like such a fool. I
thought, that, well...Glenn said
that theirs was a marriage of
convenience.
STEVE
That's true.
BRENDA
He said that they hadn't made love
in years.
STEVE
That's probably true.
BRENDA
He needed someone who could
understand him. He said I was the
only one.
STEVE
And you believed him?
BRENDA (CONT'D)
40.
BRENDA
He lied to me.
STEVE
Yes, he did.
BRENDA
What should I expect, he's a
politician.
STEVE
Woa...slow down. You're not being
politically correct.
BRENDA
What do you mean?
STEVE
We don't say politicians are
liars anymore, we say they're
ethically challenged.
BRENDA
You think you're funny.
STEVE
Only when I don't try.
BRENDA
I don't know what's worse...that he
lied to me or I believed him.
STEVE
That you believed him. It never
ceases to amaze me how a woman will
have an affair with a married man
and then expect him to be faithful
to her.
BRENDA
It is naive.
STEVE
What's really naive is believing
anybody about anything.
BRENDA
I don't think I could go through
life so cynical.
STEVE
I call it realistic.
41.
BRENDA
Do you trust anybody?
STEVE
No.
BRENDA
That's very sad.
STEVE
That way you're never disappointed.
BRENDA
It's a life without risks. Haven't
you ever been in love? Haven't you
ever trusted anyone before?
STEVE
I trusted my wife once. She ran
off with this other fella...a multi-
millionaire. Gave me a great
inferiority complex.
BRENDA
So, that's it?
STEVE
One failed marriage was enough for
me. Now I find nourishment in
shallow short term flings. It's
sort of like eating a lot of
chocolate chip cookies at once.
BRENDA
That can make you sick.
STEVE
Yeah, but it's fun while you're
doing it.
BRENDA
You're pathetic.
STEVE
I'm pathetic?! Now that's a laugh.
You take up with Mister Glenn, foot-
in-his-mouth, Mann, think he's the
cat's meow, and find out all he is,
is the litter box...and I'm
pathetic?!
BRENDA
No, you're pathetic because you've
given up on people.
(MORE)
42.
I'll admit something. At first, I
was excited about working with you.
You have a great reputation as a
campaign strategist. But I just
can't stand your patronizing,
condescending attitude about people
as if somehow you're superior.
STEVE
If you cared so much for people,
you wouldn't have been screwing
another woman's man.
BRENDA
You know...you know something. You
don't know me. You don't have a
clue who I am.
STEVE
Maybe, but think twice before you
start judging me, too.
Steve and Brenda now stand on each side the stage. At first,
they sing a DUET...but not too each other. They sing to the
audience, the room dark and a SPOTLIGHT on EACH. It is as if
they were alone on stage and the other person can't hear what
they're singing. As the song progresses, however, they start
to acknowledge each other, as if the words were beginning to
sink in.
(Steve)
THERE'S A FEELING I HAVE DEEP INSIDE
I RARELY LET THE SUN SEE
THERE'S A FEELING I HOLD NEXT TO MY HEART
YOU'D UNDERSTAND, IF YOU ONLY KNEW ME
(Brenda)
A YEARNING IN MY SOUL
I CRY ALONE - TOO LONELY
THERE'S A HOPE THAT I HOLD FOR TRUE LOVE
YOU'D UNDERSTAND IF YOU ONLY KNEW ME
chorus (Steve and Brenda)
IF ONLY IN THIS MOMENT
WE COULD TRULY SEE
A PROMISE WAS MEANT
FOR YOU AND MEANT FOR ME
IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT
YOU WOULD TRULY SEE
I'M A LOT LIKE YOU
AND YOU'RE A LOT LIKE ME
BRENDA (CONT'D)
43.
(Steve)
THERE'S A VOICE THAT I HEAR IN YOUR WORDS
THAT REMINDS ME
IT'S A FEELING I FEAR DEEP INSIDE
YOU'D UNDERSTAND, IF YOU ONLY KNEW ME
(Brenda)
A SEARCHING IN YOUR EYES
YOU'RE NOT ALONE, JUST LONELY
IT'S A FEELING I KNOW SO WELL
YOU'D UNDERSTAND, IF YOU ONLY KNEW ME
(Steve and Brenda)
IF ONLY IN THIS MOMENT
WE COULD TRULY SEE
A PROMISE WAS MEANT
FOR YOU AND MEANT FOR ME
IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT
YOU WOULD TRULY SEE
I'M A LOT LIKE YOU
AND YOU'RE A LOT LIKE ME
(Steve)
I KNOW YOU THINK ME HEARTLESS
AND A LITTLE COLD
(Brenda)
THAT I TRY TOO HARD TO IMPRESS
AS I PLAY MY ROLE
(Steve and Brenda)
IF ONLY IN THIS MOMENT
WE COULD TRULY SEE
A PROMISE WAS MEANT
FOR YOU AND MEANT FOR ME
IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT
YOU WOULD TRULY SEE
I'M A LOT LIKE YOU
AND YOU'RE A LOT LIKE ME
I'M A LOT LIKE YOU
AND YOU'RE A LOT LIKE ME
When the song ends, there is a real change between the two of
them, they care for each other in a way they hadn't before.
BRENDA
I'm gonna go get some shut eye.
Good night.
44.
STEVE
Good night.
She EXITS.
STEVE (CONT'D)
You're not attracted to her.
Absolutely not. Forget it.
He keeps on staring in her direction as we BLACK OUT.
END OF ACT I
Act II, Scene 1
NIGHT. Glenn, Elaine, Steve, Brenda and Irv brainstorm.
They sing the song SPIN and we intercut dialogue throughout,
stopping and starting the song but with background music
going the whole time.
(Everyone)
SPIN...SPIN...SPIN...SPIN
SPIN...SPIN...SPIN...SPIN
SPIN...SPIN...SPIN...SPIN
SPIN...SPIN...SPIN...SPIN
(Irv)
IF YOUR CANDIDATE'S GOT A PROBLEM
NOT TO WORRY, NOT TO FRET
IF MANN'S GOT A PROBLEM
THERE'S A WAY OVER IT
(Steve)
NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION
THERE'S A FACT THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
WITH THE PROPER EXPLANATION
THERE'S NO DISASTER YOU CAN'T CONTROL
(chorus; Everyone)
IF YOU'RE GONNA WIN, YOU NEED THE PROPER SPIN
WHERE THE SKY IS GREEN AND THE GRASS IS BLUE
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW..........SPIN
BRENDA
Let's review our options. You can
deny this completely and offer to
take a blood test...which is my
suggestion.
45.
STEVE
(interrupting)
Or you can completely deny this and
accuse Puffington of putting her up
to this...which is my suggestion.
(Brenda)
BUT THE PRESS WILL REALLY HOUND HIM
WHY WON'T HE TAKE THE TEST
WITH REPORTERS ALL AROUND HIM
THEY'LL SURELY NEVER LET HIM REST
(Steve)
IF YOU'RE CAUGHT IN HANKY PANKY
LOOK THE PRESS RIGHT IN THE EYE
WITH THE PROPER INDIGNATION
SAY IT'S ALL A PACK OF LIES
BRENDA
That will look like he's trying to
hide something.
STEVE
Not if you do it right.
BRENDA
Look, if the test proves the baby
is not his...
ELAINE
What if it doesn't?
BRENDA
What do you mean?
ELAINE
Do you think you're the only pretty
young thing on Capitol Hill he
sleeps with?
(Glenn)
LADIES LET'S NOT A WASTE A MOMENT
WITH INCONSEQUENTIAL SPATS
THIS PROBLEM MUST BE BURIED
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY PAST
(Elaine)
IF IT'S TRUE YOUR NOT THE FATHER
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS THAT'S FINE
I SUPPOSE WHAT HAS HAPPENED WAS
46.
YOU PRACTICED SAFE SEX ALL THE TIME
GLENN
Elaine, this is not so...
ELAINE
PLEASE! Glenn...please. This is
not about our marriage. This is
not about your lies. This is about
what we do about this problem.
(chorus; everyone)
IF YOU'RE GONNA WIN, YOU NEED THE PROPER SPIN
WHERE THE SKY IS GREEN AND THE GRASS IS BLUE
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW
SPIN....SPIN...SPIN...SPIN....SPIN....SPIN....
Everyone continues singing the word SPIN directly
intermingled with the following dialogue.
IRV
We better do something and do it
soon. I'm already having
contributors back out.
STEVE
I know.
IRV
This will kill our family values
angle.
STEVE
I know.
IRV
Our candidate will look like a big
loser, a sinking ship...
STEVE
I know.
IRV
This could destroy our whole
campaign.
EVERYONE
WE KNOW!!
END OF SONG.
Silence.
47.
IRV
You could say you had a vasectomy.
Everyone gives him a look.
STEVE
(sarcastically)
Or you could take the blood test,
and if the baby did turn out to be
yours, you could claim that you
donated sperm to a sperm bank.
ELAINE
And then you could promise to go to
sex rehab.
GLENN
I'm telling you, Puffington put her
up to this.
ELAINE
I think that's our only chance is
to blame it on Puffington. That
should be the spin.
BRENDA
Yes, turn it to our favor.
IRV
Here comes the press.
REPORTERS spill onto the stage holding cameras and
microphones. They bombard Glenn with questions, rapid fire.
He responds in kind as Steve, Brenda, Elaine, Irv watch.
REPORTER #1
Do you know her or don't you know
her?
GLENN
What do you mean by "know"?
REPORTER #2
Have you met her?
GLENN
I don't think so...but I can't say
that definitively.
REPORTER #3
There are witnesses who saw you two
together.
48.
GLENN
In this line of work you meet a lot
of people.
REPORTER #1
Did you, or did you not sleep with
her?
GLENN
Sleep?....no.
REPORTER #2
Did you have sex with her?
GLENN
Absolutely...not.
REPORTER #3
How does your wife feel about all
this?
GLENN
How would she feel?
REPORTER #1
How do we know you're telling the
truth?
GLENN
I'm Glenn Mann.
REPORTER #1
Yes, but...
GLENN
I'm a stickler for the truth. I
just can't help it, the truth
sticks to me whether I like it or
not.
REPORTER #1
Yes, but...
GLENN
This whole issue is a red herring.
REPORTER #1
Yes, but...
REPORTER #3
Will you take a blood test?
GLENN
Uh, absolutely...uh....not...
49.
Then all the Reporters start talking at once only to be
interrupted by Glenn singing.
REPORTERS
DID YOU...DID YOU...DID YOU...
(Glenn)
NO...ABSOLUTELY, RESOLUTELY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, COMPLETELY,
DISDAINFULLY....AND DESPERATELY, I DENY THIS LIE!
I DIDN'T DO IT, I DIDN'T DO IT,
I DIDN'T REALLY, DIDN'T REALLY, DIDN'T DIDN'T DO IT
I TAKE TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY...
TO SAY THAT BABY AIN'T MINE
I DIDN'T DO IT, UH HUH...
SHE'S SUCH A YOUNG KITTEN
CAN'T YOU HEAR HER PURR
THAT GIRL'S NEARLY HALF MY AGE
NOW WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY SEE IN HER
I COULDN'T DO IT, I WOULDN'T DO IT,
I COULDN'T REALLY, WOULDN'T REALLY, COULDN'T WOULDN'T DO IT
I TAKE TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY
TO SAY MY CAREER IS ON THE LINE
I DIDN'T DO IT
I'M A SENSIBLE FAMILY MAN
CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE
IT'S OBVIOUS THE KID'S NOT MINE
HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE ME
I DIDN'T DO IT, I DIDN'T DO IT,
I DIDN'T REALLY, DIDN'T REALLY, DIDN'T DIDN'T DO IT
PLEASE TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO QUOTE ME ANYTIME...
I DIDN'T DO IT, JUST LOOK AT MY FACE, I DIDN'T DO IT,
NO WAY!
The reporters moan in disbelief.
BLACKOUT.
Act II, Scene 2
50.
NIGHT. The headquarters is empty except for Brenda. She
sits at the computer, types a few words, stops. Steve
enters, sees her.
STEVE
(seriously)
I admire your dedication.
BRENDA
I can do without the sarcasm.
STEVE
I wasn't being sarcastic. Really,
I'm being sincere.
BRENDA
(appreciatively)
Okay.
STEVE
What are you working on?
BRENDA
Something for Glenn to say besides,
"I didn't do it."
STEVE
Come up with anything?
BRENDA
Nope.
STEVE
There's nothing he can do but deny
it.
BRENDA
It's hard to get enthusiastic about
helping someone who you don't
respect.
Steve smiles knowingly.
BRENDA (CONT'D)
Don't give me that look.
STEVE
What look?
BRENDA
That, "I told you so" look.
51.
STEVE
Oh, come on. We already went
through this. I can't help it.
I'm cynical.
BRENDA
Look Glenn Mann may be an
asshole...
STEVE
But he's our asshole.
BRENDA
That's right, and despite my
feelings, he's better than
Puffington. He's better on
the issues.
STEVE
That's if you believe any of this
actually matters.
BRENDA
And you don't?
STEVE
I used to believe that politics
could make a difference, government
could be used for positive social
change, that who you elected
mattered.
BRENDA
I believe it matters. I believe it
matters a lot. I can't believe you
don't.
STEVE
Well, start believing.
BRENDA
You ran the campaign for Senator
Wheeler. He was instrumental in
passing the Environmental
Protection Bill. You got Senator
Matthews elected. She got the Day
Care Bill passed that helps working
mothers. You got...
STEVE
You keep on reminding me of
my past. I wish you wouldn't
do that.
52.
BRENDA
It's a good past.
STEVE
Ancient history.
BRENDA
It's politics helping people.
Politics doesn't have to be a dirty
word.
STEVE
What keeps you going? What keeps
you in the game?
BRENDA
Besides my poor choice in men? I
suppose it's the belief that I can
really make a difference.
STEVE
You really believe that?
BRENDA
I do. It just comes down to one
thing.
STEVE
What's that?
BRENDA
You can't give up on your dream.
STEVE
You don't understand.
Steve takes in what she's just said and considers it
seriously. As STEVE SINGS, he starts out melancholy, but as
the song progresses he begins to believe what Brenda says,
once again realizing why he went into politics.
(Steve)
USED TO THINK I'D MAKE A DIFFERENCE
HAD THAT ILLUSION SHATTERED
EVEN WHEN I WON I LOST
THE DIFFERENCE NEVER MATTERED
USED TO BE SO SIMPLE
I COULD RELY ON MY DREAMS
THEN SURPRISE - LIFE SHOWED UP
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
53.
(Chorus)
NO GOAL WAS TOO DISTANT
THERE WITHIN MY GRASP
DREAMS MADE LIFE WORTH LIVING
NEVER SEEMED TOO MUCH TO ASK
I'D NEVER STOP BELIEVING
WHAT LIFE REALLY MEANS
A MAN COULD NEVER LOSE HIMSELF
AS LONG AS HE LIVES HIS DREAMS
SO HERE I AM THE KING MAKER
STIRRING THE MOVERS AND SHAKERS
POWER AND PRIDE AT ANY COST
NOW I KNOW WHAT I NEARLY LOST
USED TO BE SO EASY
THEN MY LIFE INTERVENED
USED TO FEEL SO CONFUSED
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
(Bridge)
THIS WORLD IS FULL OF MANY
WHO DON'T SEE TRUTH IN LIES
THEY CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND
LIFE IS A SHORT JOURNEY
WE JUST HITCH A RIDE
TO FLY AS HIGH AS WE CAN
(Chorus)
NO GOAL IS TOO DISTANT
IT'S THERE WITHIN MY GRASP
DREAMS MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING
IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK
I'LL NEVER STOP BELIEVING
WHAT LIVING REALLY MEANS
A MAN CAN NEVER LOSE HIMSELF
AS LONG AS HE LIVES HIS DREAMS
When the song ends, Steve looks at Brenda with a new found
respect.
STEVE (CONT’D)
I guess, I guess I needed to be
reminded why I do this.
BRENDA
Any time.
They smile warmly at each other. An awkwardness develops.
These two people aren't supposed to like each other and an
attraction has become clearly evident to both of them.
54.
STEVE
Say, I mean it. Thanks.
BRENDA
Any time.
More silence as they stare at each other. They take a step
towards each other, think better of it, stop.
STEVE
The debate's tomorrow.
BRENDA
The debate's tomorrow.
STEVE
We'd better get some sleep.
BRENDA
We're going to need it.
STEVE
Do you think Glenn's ready.
BRENDA
To make a fool of himself.
BLACK OUT. A FEW BARS of WE’VE GOT A WINNER.
Act II, Scene 3
The set has been changed slightly to make it appear as a
TELEVISION STUDIO, several TV cameras, a TV MODERATOR asks
questions of the two candidates, Glenn Mann and MALCOLM
PUFFINGTON who stand behind podiums facing the stage.
Puffington is a complete pompous ass. His self importance
makes Glenn Mann seem humble.
Steve, Brenda, Elaine, Irv (who frequently cringe at the
answers Glenn gives) and Campaign Workers from both sides
(wearing hats for their candidate) are present.
MODERATOR
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
tonight's gubernatorial debate
between Malcolm Puffington and
Glenn Mann. Good evening,
gentlemen.
PUFFINGTON
Good evening.
GLENN
Good evening.
55.
MODERATOR
Before we begin the questions, you
each will be allowed a short
statement. Mr. Puffington, we will
begin with you.
PUFFINGTON
Thank you. My opponent has spent
the last several weeks attacking
me. Why? Because he doesn't have
anything positive to say about
himself or his plans for the state.
I, on the other hand, have put
forward a twelve point plan to make
this state the greatest state in
these United States. Where is his
twelve point plan, I ask you. He
doesn't have one. Why? Because he
doesn't have an original thought in
his head.
MODERATOR
Mr. Mann, your opening statement.
GLENN
Well, I find it laughable, sir,
that you would be talking about
negative campaigning. And as far
as your twelve point plan...your
twelve point plan...I have a
thirteen point plan, which is one
more than yours. That's right.
Thirteen points. And at its core
is Better Days and Family Values.
PUFFINGTON
How come I haven't heard of this
thirteen point plan before?
ON BRENDA whispering to STEVE.
BRENDA
How come I haven't heard of it,
either?
STEVE
Because we don't have one.
ON CANDIDATES and MODERATOR.
GLENN
Why haven't you heard of it? I’ll
tell you why.
(MORE)
56.
It's because you're too busy
getting that girl to say I
impregnated her.
PUFFINGTON
I deny that and demand an apology.
MODERATOR
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, I ask
that you speak only during your
allotted time. Now, the first
question is for Mr. Mann. What are
your plans for the state budget
deficit?
GLENN
To eliminate it.
MODERATOR
Uh, right. But how?
GLENN
Through sound fiscal management.
MODERATOR
Could you be more specific?
GLENN
By cutting waste and eliminating
unneeded programs.
MODERATOR
What programs for instance?
GLENN
The ones that need cutting. I'm
going to make sure they don't get
one more cent than they really
need.
MODERATOR
Mr. Puffington, how are you going
to deal with the budget deficit?
PUFFINGTON
My father taught me that the way to
make money is to trim the fat.
When he would take over a company,
he would immediately fire half the
workers and cut benefits. We have
to run this state like a business
and trim the fat.
GLENN (CONT'D)
57.
MODERATOR
Are you suggesting that you're
going to fire half the state's
employees?
PUFFINGTON
The bloated bureaucracy of the
state government has to be cut.
Look, if you were in a life raft,
and you had a four hundred pound
man who was making the boat sink,
you'd toss him out so you could
save everybody else. Now the
bloated bureaucracy is like that
four hundred pound man. You got to
get rid of it, but it's hard to
move.
MODERATOR
Mr. Mann, any response.
GLENN
This just goes to show how
insensitive Mr. Puffington is. He
would just take that four hundred
pound man and just throw him
overboard without first asking,
“could he gave gone on a diet?
It's clear my opponent resents
anyone who is overweight.
PUFFINGTON
That's not what I said.
GLENN
Oh, now you're changing your tune.
MODERATOR
Excuse me, gentlemen, please. Mr.
Puffington, it is now your turn to
ask Mr. Mann a question.
PUFFINGTON
This thirteen point plan. What are
they?
GLENN
Uhhh...?
PUFFINGTON
List the points. You claim to have
this thirteen point plan--
58.
GLENN
Which is one more than your twelve
point plan--
PUFFINGTON
And I see you’re good at
arithmetic. Tell me what they are.
Glenn clearly is making this up as he goes along...counting
on his fingers as he goes along.
GLENN
All right, Better Days...Family
Values...Core Values...Decent
Values...uh, Better Values...
True Values....
PUFFINGTON
That's six.
GLENN
I wasn't done. All right, where
did I stop...
MODERATOR
True Values..
GLENN
Right. Incredible Values. That's
seven. Okay...Family...
PUFFINGTON
You already said Family Values.
GLENN
Family PROSPERITY. That's eight.
Better prosperity. Nine. Vital
Prosperity....that's ten. State
Prosperity...eleven. Individual
Prosperity...twelve. And the last
one is...the last one is...
Prosperous Values!
The crowd applauds vigorously.
ON STEVE and BRENDA
BRENDA
That was amazing.
STEVE
That's one word for it.
59.
BRENDA
That was the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
ON CANDIDATES and MODERATOR
MODERATOR
All right. There has been a lot of
mudslinging in this campaign. Both
of you have had your character
called into question. Mr.
Puffington, you've been married
three times and you've been accused
of shady business dealings. Mr.
Mann you're accused of fathering an
illegitimate child and refuse to
take a blood test.
GLENN
Well, just a second there. I don't
see why I should have to take a
blood test, if my opponent here
doesn't have to take one.
PUFFINGTON
Why should I have to take one?
GLENN
What's fair is fair.
MODERATOR
But...
GLENN
It's this simple...
(Glenn)
MY WORTHY OPPONENT RARELY MAKES SENSE
HE CLAIMS TO SPEAK THE TRUTH BUT
UNFORTUNATELY IT'S NONSENSE
(Puffington)
I HAVE TO KEEP FROM LAUGHING
HE'S ONE TO CRITICIZE
HIS STORIES ARE CHANGING DAY BY DAY
HE OBVIOUSLY LIES
(Glenn)
AT THE EXPENSE OF THE POOR
YOU RAISE THE BUDGET FOR DEFENSE
60.
YOU TAKE FOOD FROM LITTLE CHILDREN
THAT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
(Puffington)
PRO-LIFE, PRO-CHOICE
IS THAT HONEST, ADMIT IT
YOU WANT A TAX HIKE BUT
YOU JUST WON’T SAY IT
(Glenn and Puffington)
IT'S REALLY QUITE PATHETIC
TO HEAR YOU TELL YOUR TALE
IT'S A BAD SOAP OPERA
IT'S TIME TO GET REAL
YOU'RE A LIAR
YOU'RE A LIAR
YOU'RE A LIAR
YOU'RE A LIAR
IT'S A NASTY SMEAR
IT COULDN'T BE CLEARER
YOU ARE A LIAR!
(Puffington)
CHARACTER IS THE ISSUE HERE
BUT YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED
TAKE THAT BABY FOR INSTANCE
ADMIT IT YOU'RE THE FATHER
(Glenn)
WHAT YOU SAY IS SLANDER
AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE
YOU PUT THAT WOMAN UP TO THIS
IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU
(Puffington)
I DENY WHAT YOU SAY
I DENY IT ABSOLUTELY
YOU'RE THE FATHER AND YOU KNOW IT
I STATE QUITE RESOLUTELY
(Glenn)
SIR, DON'T INSULT MY WIFE
MY ONE MARRIAGE IS NOTED
I'M A SOLID FAMILY MAN
SO DUTIFUL AND DEVOTED - (to Elaine) AREN'T I HONEY
(Glenn and Puffington)
IT'S REALLY QUITE PATHETIC
TO HEAR YOU TELL YOUR TALE
IT'S A BAD SOAP OPERA
IT'S TIME TO GET REAL
YOU'RE A LIAR
61.
YOU'RE A LIAR
YOU'RE A LIAR
YOU'RE A LIAR
IT'S A NASTY SMEAR
IT COULDN'T BE CLEARER
YOU ARE A LIAR!
PUFFINGTON
Who are you calling a liar?!
GLENN
YOU!
PUFFINGTON
Oh, yeah. It takes one to know
one.
GLENN
Oh, yeah?!
PUFFINGTON
YEAH!
And with that Glenn and Puffington lunge for each other and
begin to grapple, falling to the floor. The Moderator and
Steve and Irv and others rush over to separate them.
BLACKOUT.
Act II, Scene 4
The TV comes on in the darkened CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS which
is back to normal. On screen - GLENN and PUFFINGTON are
wrestling on the ground.
NEWSCASTER ( V.O. ON TV)
The fight broke out at last night's
debate when the two candidates
began to argue over the allegation
that Glenn Mann fathered an
illegitimate child.
Then we see the NEWSCASTER on the television.
NEWSCASTER (CONT’D)
Congressman Mann has agreed to take
a blood test to determine if he's
the father, but only if Congressman
Puffington takes one as well.
PUFFINGTON on the television.
62.
PUFFINGTON
If that's what it takes to get Mann
to own up to what he's done, I will
take a blood test.
The TV shuts off.
LIGHTS UP.
Brenda and Steve have been watching, Steve holding the remote
control. In the BACKGROUND, CAMPAIGN WORKERS go about their
business.
STEVE
They're both lucky there's not a
third party candidate. I wonder if
it's too late for me to run.
BRENDA
The election's tomorrow.
STEVE
Too late for a write in?
BRENDA
Would you want the job?
STEVE
Would I have to be like those two
clowns?
BRENDA
Only if you follow the thirteen
point plan.
STEVE
Which is one more than the twelve
point plan.
BRENDA
Which is better than no plan at
all.
STEVE
Unless you have family values...
BRENDA
Which will make for better days...
STEVE
Any way you look at it.
They both share a WARM LAUGH together. Just then Irv enters.
63.
IRV
Everybody's taken a blood test.
We'll know the results soon.
STEVE
Anybody up for a friendly wager?
I'm giving odds. Ten to one it's
our man, Mann's kid.
IRV
I only bet on sure things. There
is one thing I do know...one way or
the other, it's all over tomorrow,
and we all go our separate ways.
Gladys, holding a phone to his ear, calls over to Irv from
the other side of the stage.
GLADYS
Irv, phone.
Irv moves away from Steve and Brenda and picks up the phone.
STEVE
Yeah, tomorrow's it. Listen, I'm
sorry if I was a little hard on you
at first...
BRENDA
Look, I came on like gang
busters...
STEVE
Yeah, you did...but...I'm glad we
worked together.
BRENDA
Me, too. So, uh, what are you
going to do, you know...
STEVE
I don't know, find another
campaign. I got a call about the
Governor's race in Virginia next
year...
BRENDA
Oh...
STEVE
How about you?
64.
BRENDA
Well, I think my job with Glenn
Mann ended.
STEVE
You'll land on your feet. I'm
sure.
BRENDA
Yeah.
STEVE
You helped me.
BRENDA
You helped me...too.
STEVE
Tomorrow's it.
BRENDA
Tomorrow...it's all over.
Brenda extends her hand.
BRENDA (CONT’D)
I know this will seem weird for me
to say, but it’s been a pleasure.
STEVE
The pleasure was all mine.
An awkward silence as the two are clearly feeling close to
one another.
BRENDA
As they say...don’t be a stranger.
STEVE
Yes, don’t be a stranger.
But they’re still holding hands, moving closer, both wanting
to kiss each other when GLENN ENTERS. All the Campaign
Workers stop what they're doing...look at him. It is an
awkward moment.
GLENN
Everyone...I thank you for your all
your hard work. Tomorrow's the big
day and it's going to be a long
one. So, I suggest you go home and
get some sleep and dream of
victory.
65.
The Campaign Workers APPLAUD him.
GLADYS
We still believe in you, Mr. Mann.
No matter whose baby it is.
The Campaign Workers EXIT leaving Glenn, Brenda, Steve and
Irv on stage.
STEVE
(to Brenda)
So, if I were to run...would you
support me?
BRENDA
Only if you could guarantee that
you wouldn't end up like him...
She means Glenn.
STEVE
That's tough to predict...I think
he's contagious.
IRV
Congressman, how are you?
GLENN
I'm fine, Irv. Thank you for
asking.
IRV
We're waiting to hear...about the
blood test that is.
GLENN
I know.
STEVE
Good evening, Congressman...
GLENN
Brenda...
BRENDA
Good evening.
GLENN
Well, it would seem I’m about as
popular as my opponent.
STEVE
The lesser of two evils.
66.
GLENN
Something like that.
STEVE
Here's hoping the lesser one wins.
GLENN
I suppose, you and I are never
going to like each other.
STEVE
Now that's a safe bet.
GLENN
I'd like to speak to Brenda alone.
Steve looks at Brenda who nods. STEVE and IRV EXIT leaving
Glenn and Brenda alone on stage.
GLENN (CONT'D)
We need to talk.
BRENDA
About what, Congressman?
GLENN
So formal?
He goes to embrace her, she moves away.
BRENDA
I prefer to keep our relationship
completely professional at this
point.
GLENN
Look, I know you're upset.
BRENDA
No, Glenn...Congressman. I just
think it would be better if you
practice what you preach...some
Family Values.
GLENN
I swear that woman didn't mean
anything to me.
BRENDA
I believe that.
GLENN
But you do.
67.
BRENDA
Me? What did I mean?
GLENN
Everything. You're the woman I
care about.
BRENDA
Please...
GLENN
You need me.
BRENDA
You're incredible.
GLENN
And if you think you can do
better...
BRENDA
And unbelievable...
GLENN
I'm you're man. You know it.
BRENDA
Oh, really?
BRENDA SINGS:
THINK YOU'RE SMART, HOT AS A PISTOL
THINK YOU'RE SMOOTH, SLY AS A FOX
BUT YOU'RE JUST A PAPER TIGER
WITH A HEAD HARD AS A ROCK
I FELL FOR YOU HOOK LINE AND SINKER
PLAYED YOUR GAME, GAVE ALL I CAN
I SMELL A SKUNK AND YOU'RE A STINKER
YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN
(Chorus)
DON'T WANT TO HEAR NO MORE EXCUSES
I FINALLY SEE YOU'RE REALLY USELESS
DON'T SAY YOU'RE DOIN' THE BEST YOU CAN
YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN
A REAL MAN IS STRONG AND GENTLE
AND RIGHTLY KNOWS WHEN HE IS WRONG
YOU HAD YOUR WAY AT ANY COST NOW
BACK TO THE BULLPEN WHERE YOU BELONG
68.
YOU'RE THINKING YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING BUDDY
A BIT TOO SPECIAL, ONE OF A KIND
AFRAID YOUR THINKING IS A LITTLE MUDDY
MOVE IT BOY TO THE BACK OF THE LINE
(Chorus)
DON'T WANT TO HEAR NO MORE EXCUSES
I FINALLY SEE YOU'RE REALLY USELESS
DON'T SAY YOU'RE DOIN' THE BEST YOU CAN
YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN
YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE SOME KIND OF LOVER
YOU TOLD ME LIES ALL THE TIME
I WISH I HAD JUST RUN FOR COVER
I SHOULD HAVE READ BETWEEN THE LINES
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THIS WAS COMING
YOU'VE DONE TO ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE BEFORE
THE BROKEN HEART EXPRESS IS RUNNING
BUT YOU AIN'T THE ENGINEER ANYMORE
(Chorus)
DON'T WANT TO HEAR NO MORE EXCUSES
FINALLY SEE YOU'RE REALLY USELESS
DON'T SAY YOU'RE DOIN' THE BEST YOU CAN
YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY
MAN ENOUGH TO BE...MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN
She walks off the stage leaving a chastened Glenn standing
there embarrassed.
BLACK OUT.
Act II, Scene 5
CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS is bustling as it was in the first
scene. Instrumental: "WE'VE GOT A WINNER".
Steve and Brenda on the phone. In the midst of all this
activity sits Irv, calm as a cucumber, reading the newspaper.
STEVE
Have we heard anything yet?
IRV
Nope.
STEVE
Why not?
IRV
Because...
69.
STEVE
Because?
IRV
We haven't heard.
STEVE
(sarcastically)
You're a big help.
IRV
I know.
STEVE
The polls have already opened.
We've got to know. Gladys, you get
the field reports yet?
GLADYS
Coming.
Steve picks up a RINGING PHONE.
STEVE
Hello.....right. Make sure the ad
runs at least twice.
Gladys hands him a piece of paper.
GLADYS
Here you go.
STEVE
Thanks.
He looks it over, then down at his computer screen.
STEVE (CONT’D)
Damn. The Daily Express endorsed
Puffington in it's morning edition.
BRENDA (INTO PHONE)
Okay, thanks.
She hangs up, addresses Steve.
BRENDA (CONT'D)
The poll numbers are very volatile.
Over half the electorate hasn't
made up it's mind yet. They're
waiting to see the results of the
blood test.
70.
STEVE
When are we going to hear?
BRENDA
Any time.
STEVE
I've got to admit it, I'm a nervous
wreck.
BRENDA
Me, too.
STEVE
And to think, I actually want Glenn
Mann to win.
BRENDA
Me, too.
Steve notices a calm Irv, reading newspaper.
STEVE
Irv, what are you doing?
IRV
Contemplating the future.
STEVE
And what do you see?
IRV
The election is going to be decided
by the blood test.
STEVE
Everybody knows that.
IRV
It's so nice to be right.
STEVE
Shouldn't you be doing something?
IRV
Like what?
STEVE
I don't know, anything.
IRV
If Glenn Mann wins or he loses,
it's going to be because he
subscribed to a simple philosophy.
71.
STEVE
What's that, family values?
IRV
No, my friend, no. Glenn Mann
understands...
As IRV SINGS, he is pretending to be Glenn Mann. Brenda and
Steve sing as well, chiming in with their commentary, making
fun of their candidate.
(Irv)
THINGS AREN'T AS BLEAK AS THEY SEEM
THE WORLD MAY BE GOING TO HELL
THERE'S ONLY ONE IMPORTANT THING
MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE DOING WELL
(Brenda)
I THOUGHT THE POLITICIAN WAS THE PUBLIC'S SERVANT
(Steve)
HE'S THERE TO SERVE THE PUBLIC ON A PLATTER
(Irv)
MY PHILOSOPHY IS QUITE SIMPLE
YOU SEE WHO LOST AND WHO WON
AND ONLY THEN YOU CAN TELL
WHO WAS LOOKING OUT FOR NUMBER ONE
(Irv; chorus)
POLLUTION IS DESTROYING THE PLANET
POPULATION IS CROWDING US OUT
THE FOOD WE EAT IS KILLING US
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
(Steve)
MANN IS THE PERFECT CANDIDATE
KNOWS HOW TO HIT AND RUN
KNOWS HOW TO SELL HIMSELF
KNOWS HOW TO CON A CON
(Brenda)
PROMISES THE PUBLIC EVERYTHING
WHETHER OR NOT HE CAN DELIVER
HE APPEALS TO THE WORST IN US
HE'S BRINGING US ALL TOGETHER
(Irv)
YOU'RE ALL MISSING THE POINT
NONE OF THAT EVEN MATTERS
THERE'S ONLY ONE PRIORITY
AND THAT'S THE FELLOW IN THE MIRROR
72.
(Everyone; chorus)
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT
LET THE OTHERS SCREAM AND SHOUT
MANN'S GOING TO WIN YOU'LL SEE
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
POLLUTION IS DESTROYING THE PLANET
POPULATION IS CROWDING US OUT
THE FOOD WE EAT IS KILLING US
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT
LET THE OTHERS SCREAM AND SHOUT
MANN'S GOING TO WIN YOU'LL SEE
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
Everyone goes back to what they were doing...frantic activity
in the campaign headquarters.
STEVE
Have we heard anything yet about
the blood test?
BRENDA
Not a thing.
GLADYS
(to Steve)
Steve?
STEVE
Yeah.
GLADYS
How come, if you can't stand Glenn
Mann, you want him to win so bad?
STEVE
That's the beauty of politics.
Some people call it the lesser of
two evils...I call it the positive
choice between lousy and really
awful.
GLADYS
You mean it's like having to choose
between having a root canal or a
hernia operation?
73.
STEVE
That's it exactly.
GLADYS
I see. I'd rather have a root
canal myself.
She goes back to her work. Another PHONE RINGS and Brenda
answers.
BRENDA
Wait, everybody. They've got the
results of the blood test.
STEVE
Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?
Brenda puts up her hand so she can hear what's being said.
Before she can register a reaction, we...BLACKOUT.
The TV comes on in the CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS once again
breaking the darkness on stage.
ON TV is a press conference. DARLENE ROBINSON holds her
little BABY in her arms as she addresses the press.
DARLENE
The results of the blood test, that
you've all been waiting for, I just
want to say, that Malcolm
Puffington put me up to this.
REPORTER #1
Are you saying...
DARLENE
I'm saying that this is Malcolm
Puffington's baby, just like the
blood test showed. Now I did sleep
with Congressman Mann, but this
isn't his baby. It's Malcolm
Puffington's.
Reporters SHOUT QUESTIONS at her until one is audible.
REPORTER #2
Let me get this straight. You
slept with both Congressman.
DARLENE
Yes. But I'm not promiscuous. I
want everybody to know that.
74.
REPORTER #3
How do we know you're telling the
truth about Congressman Mann. He
denies that the two of you had an
affair. The blood test would seem
to prove that.
DARLENE
Listen, I may not be a genius, but
I know who I slept with and who I
didn't.
ON TV we cut to NEWS ANCHOR.
NEWS ANCHOR
And moments later, Congressman
Puffington showed up.
ON TV and PUFFINGTON walking over to Darlene.
PUFFINGTON
Look, there's some kind of mistake
here. I don't know this woman.
DARLENE
Oh, Malki...
(to Reporters)
That's my nickname for him.
(to Malcolm)
Malki...I did the best I could, but
I just feel like I shouldn't be the
only one left out in the cold here.
Just then the BABY STARTS CRYING.
DARLENE (CONT'D)
And neither does this little boy.
Puffington whispers to her...but it's audible.
PUFFING